Cupid in the City Books

To My New Boss, You are an asshole. Maybe I will even call you a boss hole. We’ve never even officially met because you sent your executive assistant to give me a list of “to-do’s” because you’re worried all of your lower assistants will “fall for you and make a pass.” You could only wish I would make a pass. You would be so lucky as to even catch a glimpse of my fine ass. In fact, why don’t kiss it instead, jerk. Also, no I’m not taking a vocabulary or algebra test. Just because you’re the CEO doesn’t give you the right to be pompous and arrogant. And frankly I saw that photo of you in the newspaper last year; are you cousins with the yeti? Not a good look. You can keep your $25 an hour. My self respect is worth more than that. And no I’m not interested in any of your other offers. Marcia “I have self respect” Lucas P.S. Never in a Million Years I never intended to actually send the email. I’m not crazy. It was just a way to vent. I actually did need the money way too much to go off on my boss. Only when I went into office the next day, there was a note on my desk. It read, “A million years is up. See me in my office.” My dad was right, my mouth would eventually get me into trouble. Only he had no idea just had bad the trouble was going to be.

To my tent mate, I am only going to say this once. I am not interested in you. I will not be sharing a sleeping bag with you. I will not be asking you to keep me warm with your 'hot body'. Who calls their own body hot by the way? I will not be doing a belly dance for you in the middle of the night and I definitely won’t be making you hot chocolate. You’ll be lucky if I even alert you to a bear, so don’t push your luck. I’m going to be 100% honest with you. I’m not interested and have no desire to see you again after this trip. Yours Unsincerely, Susie P.S. Not if you were the last man on earth They say that no good deed goes unpunished and they are surely right. I agreed to go on a camping trip with my best friend and her new boyfriend, Finn, but I never agreed to share a tent with Finn's best friend, Brody. Brody is a pompous full of himself jock. He thinks he rules the world because he's some hot shot baseball player, but the jokes on him because I don't even watch sports. I just need to get past this weekend without killing him and then I never have to deal with his arrogant ass again.

To The Guy at The Coffee Shop, I did not intend to give you my phone number. I was actually waiting on several dates to show up; don't ask, it's a long story. I certainly didn't need to slip my number into your pastry bag just so I could attempt to catch you. I don't even know who you are, and I don't care. I found you to be extremely impertinent at the coffee shop. Who interrupts someone else's date to tell their own anecdotes and stories? Especially when that someone else is a stranger. Just because we had a five-minute verbal sparring match, it doesn't mean we actually know each other. No, I have zero interest in getting dating advice from you. And I certainly have no interest in learning the art of flirtatious touch. Are you out of your mind? All I can say is please stop sending me daily dating tips. Maybe work on not being a cocky ass before you try to help others. Now Leave Me Alone, Lilian P.S. Please Lose This Number

Dear Hotter than Hades Wannabe, Let me fill you in on a secret. Football players do not run the world, and they certainly do not get to run mine. To be honest, I don’t even know the difference between a quarterback and a tight end. Well, that’s a bit of a lie. I love me a good tight end...but do not distract me. You can bat your big blue eyes at me any day of the week, and I will feel nothing. You’re not God’s gift to women, no matter what your mama told you. Yes, we had one night together. And no, I didn’t know you were "The Brad Chambers.” Like I said, I don’t follow football. I didn’t leave my purse in your apartment because I was trying to ensure you would call me again. I couldn’t care less. And no, I don’t want a repeat performance of that night. It wasn’t that memorable. I hope this will get you to stop emailing me now. And no need to send me VIP tickets. Not interested. Sincerely, The Hottest Three-Night Stand You Will Ever Have P.S. You would be so lucky to get another night with me!